Good-bye Little Lain

I found this poem online today and I wish to share it with you all.

I feel the need to get my feelings out and since I happen to be sitting in front of a computer, this is just how its gonna be.  So please bear with me...

I don't really know where to start.  My heart is so full and heavy; The conflict of emotions are nearly overwhelming. 

If you still don't know, Brian and I lost our little one.  I was 12 weeks, or 3 months, along.  I will spare you the details, but as if a miscarriage wasn't devistating enough...I came close to possibly losing my own life.  The amount of blood loss was staggering!  Praise God he sent me the right doctor, Dr. Simmons from Cornerstone Clinic.  God also did NOT see fit that it was my time to go.  It is such a humbling moment when you realize that God still has a purpose for you.  He spared my life.

I can't begin to express to you how much the prayers, visits, texts & phone calls have meant to us.  The outpouring of love from our family and friends has just cradled us in comfort and given us encouragement to face another day. 

I chose to name our baby Ruby.  I was a name that we had thought up early on and then changed.  The more I thought about it, the more fitting it became. 

1. ru·by  

   /ˈro͞obē/

   Noun A precious stone consisting of corundum in various shades of red. An intense purplish-red color.

We never knew the sex of the baby.  However, I had the undeniable feeling that it was a girl.  I think the name is perfectly fitting....  She IS precious.  She is precious to myself and her Daddy, as well as God.  He created her, and He knows her by name.  Red, the color of  Love.  She will FOREVER be loved and remembered in our hearts!

I never got to know you Ruby.  I'll never hold you, sing to you, quiet your cry, I won't get to see your smile.  If I were to dwell on these things dear child, I would never move on with my life.  Never knowing you could cause me to take a dark, lonely road.  But I want the memory of your life to honor God.  I want others to see how HE pulled us through this tragedy and that HE is the one true Healer. 

So you see, dear sweet girl, as you walk upon the streets of gold, please know that you will never be forgotten.  We love you right now just as much as we ever did and ever would have.  We will see you again one day.

Sending kisses your way,
Love Mommy.

Living perpetually in a sleep like trance...

As far as symptoms are concerned, I count myself overly blessed.  I have not had one moment of "morning sickness".  Sure, I've have had my share of potty breaks, and maybe I'm a little over sensitive (or maybe a lot), and the craziest things make me cry..er......ok, bawl. 

More than anything, I am so incredibly tired, all the time!!!  My life is controlled...consumed, by thoughts involving my pillow and soft cozy bed!! 

I am almost 11 weeks now, so from what I've read and heard from others, it should pass soon; at least for a little while :)

So I will count my blessings and praise the Lord that I have not had to stick my head in the toilet.

It looks like a baby!

Ultrasound at 8 1/2 weeks.  Wow, it looks like a baby!



That is also the day we got to hear your sweet little heartbeat too!  It was January 16, 2013.  That's the day that my world became centered around the sound of galloping horses, aka, the rythem of your beautiful, tiny heart.

I was so relieved when I heard that precious sound. 

SO wonderfully made, indeed!

“I praise You because I am fearfully & wonderfully Made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well”  -Psalm 139: 14

My first appointment was to see the Nurse Practitioner, Rachael, at Cornerstone Clinic.  That was on December 31, 2012.  I was just 6 weeks along.  It was still too early to hear or measure your tiny heartbeat, but I did get a first glimpse at you.  At the time you were just a small little round spec; about the actual size of a sesame seed.  But it was beautiful to me.  I was not aware that I would be getting an ultrasound that day, or your Daddy would have been with me.  Luckily, since we couldn’t hear your heartbeat yet, we would be able to get another ultrasound a few weeks later. 

This is what your first ultrasound looked like (6 weeks):

Your Grandma Oden, your Daddy & me, on Christmas Eve, went to Babies-R-Us to look at all of the cute baby stuff.  We couldn’t wait.  I was immediately drawn to all of the precious little girl stuff.  I guess since I’ve been surrounded by boys my entire life, I dream of having a little girl.  All the frilly, lacy, ruffled bloomers sent me swooning!  I have other reasons for assuming that you are a sweet baby girl, but that is a story for another time. 

***Disclaimer: I will love him if he is a little boy no less!  But sometimes I think mommy has a hunch as to what the baby's sex is, and well, thats just my hunch :)

Any who, your Grandma Oden bought you some sweet little onesies that day.  Don’t worry, they are not gender specific.  Here’s a pic!

I can’t wait to see you.  You are such a blessing from God and I feel unspeakably, undeniably HONORED, that He picked me to be your Mom. 

Right now you’re such a tiny thing, about the size of a blackberry.  I can’t help but think…You don’t even know it yet, but there is someone that loves you SO much, that He will be by your side through out your entire life!  Someone who knew you before you were conceived.  Someone that will be there during every good moment and every sad one.  Someone that you can turn to for anything.  He will protect you and He will love you above all others.  His name is Jesus.  And as you grow in size and in mind, you will realize just how much you are truly blessed.

"Jessi had a Little Lain..."

“Jessi had a Little Lain, Little Lain, Little Lain.  Jessi had a Little Lain whose hair was dark as coal”

Let’s begin, well, at the beginning:

Your Daddy and I started dating in July of 2006.  We got engaged to be married on July 31, 2009.  And we were married September 18, 2010.

We knew we wanted to have a baby.  I was a bit skeptical that traditional methods would be enough.  I thought it would be a lot harder that it actually was.  That just proves that it’s ALWAYS best to trust God’s timing.

That’s why, in a way, you were such a surprise.  A miraculous surprise! 

December 19, 2012:  The night I took the first pregnancy test, it was just for peace of mind.  In fact, I only took it to show that I was not pregnant.  My friend Stefanie and I had been texting back and forth about how your Daddy and I were trying to have you.  I was going on and on about the difficulties I thought I would be facing.  I had even been to a fertility center, just days before you were conceived.  So to curb my curiosity, I peed on it.  The pregnancy test that is.  I walked away and forgot, until my nose began to run.  Upon arrival back in the bathroom, I saw the stick and realized I had forgotten about it.  I bent down to get a closer look.  When I saw two pink lines, I gasped!  Brian, oblivious to it all, asked me what was wrong.  All I could reply was, “Oh my gosh, oh my GOSH…..OH MY GOSH!  I think I’m pregnant!!!”  I immediately text Stefanie and said, “You are NOT gonna believe this!!!”  I took another test and immediately got a blue plus sign.  I knew!  Brian was skeptical (afraid to get excited) and wanted a doctor’s confirmation.  I can understand.  But, I knew.  Sleep escaped me that entire night, and it was not because of the storm.

The next day I made an appointment to have a blood test.  We would not get the results until the next day.  But that didn’t stop me from wanting to tell our parents.  I got two picture frames and added a photo of the pregnancy test.  That is how we revealed it to our parents.  (See pic below)  It took a little bit to sink in with his parents.  I think it was such a shock.  They are excited and anxiously awaiting the addition of their first grandchild!!

We got all of my family together at Mom’s that evening.  She unwrapped the frame, and was so confused.  She thought the frame was the gift, and at first she paid no attention to the actual photo itself.  After some encouraging glances, it sank in!  She was overjoyed!  And my brother and sister-in-law were excited that it was finally my time!  My nephews won’t really know what to think until he/she gets here, I’m sure!

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the blood test was positive, too :)